A life saved, thanks to Be the One
"I'm done. Leaving hospital. I don't give a s---. Not a f------ person is listening to anything I'm saying. Trust me, Dave, if I was good before, I am not now. I don't give a f--- about anything right now."
"Buddy, we love you. We want to see you succeed and thrive. We want to help you find that."
"Death is better than this. I don't say that lightly."
That was a beginning of a text exchange between two retired senior chiefs of the Navy SEALs. Such dialogue is not uncommon among veterans who struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), traumatic brain injury (TBI) and other invisible wounds from their time in service. But what makes this story stand out is that it demonstrates the power of one.
One teammate, David Berkenfield, is the one responding immediately to the text message from Mark Tangey, who was in a dark place.
Sean Dowling, a mutual friend, also stepped up as one who rallied to support Tangey in his time of need.
The three veterans captivated an audience of American Legion Family members during the organization’s 104th national convention Aug. 30 in Charlotte, N.C. Not only did their story resonate with the crowd, it demonstrated the power of the Legion’s Be the One initiative to reduce the rate of veteran suicide.
Be the One is intended to raise awareness about the issue, destigmatize asking for mental health assistance, convey that it is OK to not be OK and empower everyone to take action when a veteran’s life is at risk.
Berkenfield led the conversation, recapping when Tangey reached out and the subsequent 18 or so months since then. “The fact that we have this group on the stage here, the fact we have Mark sitting next to me willing to be here on this stage is monumental,” he said.
‘If you can save one, it makes everything worth it’
Mentor. Leader. Trusted adviser.
Those were among the descriptions used by Berkenfield and Dowling to describe Tangey.
“He was like the glue that kept the young guys together,” Dowling said. “He kept the morale up. It's like a leader that you want underneath you because there's not a lot to it. It's like the fire and forget. You just let him go and he manages it just fine, which is what you want. And that's the greatest thing I remember about Mark is keeping the morale up. He had the magic. We kind of saw a little bit of the writing on the wall with the decisions he was making. When he was going down, we had to do something about it. This is too much of a good guy to let go. And that's what that text was, was a cry for help. We buried a lot of our buddies. And if you can save one, then it makes everything worth it.”
Tangey recalled his spiral, which included getting in trouble with his family and the law.
“I don't think I had any kind of outlet to get anything done if I didn't have the connection that I had with these two guys,” he said, acknowledging his TBIs. “It mixed my brain up past where I remember it being before and it caught me off guard.”
A downward spiral
Transitioning poses its challenges to servicemembers as they re-enter the civilian world. For Tangey, through no fault of his own, he was downsized from a contracting gig. He was without his tribe. And he also endured a series of motorcycle crashes.
There were multiple ones involving deer and another with a different type of wildlife.
“An owl hit me in the face and knocked me out on my bike,” Tangey recalled, bringing a moment of levity to the conversation.
As their friend spiraled, Berkenfield and Dowling knew they had to do something. But what?
“Sean and I started getting notifications through our teammates, through our friends, through Mark's friends that Mark was losing the bubble a little bit, was not connected, disassociated, not prioritizing the important things in his life,” Berkenfield recalled. “At the time, I was in Indianapolis, Sean was in Virginia Beach. We both spoke about it a little bit, but the question was: What do I do? What do I do from Indianapolis? What does Sean do from VB when Mark's in North Carolina? How do we do this?”
The TBIs from the motorcycle crashes likely caused multiple concussions. From those concussions, Tangey began showing signs of the symptoms — impulsivity, loss of rational decision making, aggressive anger, short fused, pulled back, feeling of remote and distantness, uninterested in life, dangerous inhibition.
That’s when Tangey’s wife, Elena, reached out, an example of how a spouse or partner can also “be the one.”
‘We’re in deep trouble’
Elena called Berkenfield: “We're in deep trouble. We need help. You are the only person I know who to call."
He immediately flew to Virginia and summoned Dowling. Along with Elena, they began to formulate a plan. “We had no guidance. We didn't have a clinical psychologist to call that said, ‘Do this.’ We were navigating murky waters,” Berkenfield remembered.
They worked together to form a support network with daily check-ins, look at financial options, steer through the complicated VA process and work toward whatever else was necessary. In doing so, Tangey became part of a revitalized tribe.
“I knew from my past how much I trust these guys and love them, and same with my family,” he said. “And pretty much that is what made me able to reach out or even open up and trust them in my head. My head didn't want to trust anybody including them, and it would constantly mess with me and it still does. I just have to focus on the fact that I know my family loves me and I know these guys love me and that's all that matters to me. If they ask me to do something, I'll always do it. But that's a big part of it is you got no place to go when you're a different person after a TBI.”
Still a challenge
Eighteen months after the urgent text messaging, the tribe continues its support for Tangey.
“Life's a journey. Every day is still challenging,” Berkenfield said. “We're still fighting health-care bills. Which I'm still trying to figure out why we can't get them covered here. So it's just one thing after another, but we're going to keep fighting. Sean and I are going to keep fighting. Elena's going to keep fighting here. Mark's going to keep fighting. And today I think is a really important moment because Mark is sitting on the stage. If we look at this conversation 18 months ago, he wouldn't have volunteered for it. Not a chance.”
Tangey appreciates the support.
“I have an amazing group of people around me,” he said. “My family's amazing and my friends are amazing, my best friends and brothers. I'm just super appreciative because a lot of this stuff, I can't figure out for myself anymore. Organizing the garage for me is a challenge and even keeping my cool. That's a challenge too. And my motorcycle's broken, so I'm not too happy.”
There are countless other veterans who are on a path similar to Tangey. And that’s where The American Legion’s Be the One initiative comes in.
“If you can prevent one, it makes everything worth it,” Dowling said. “Keep an ear open for it. It comes subtle. Then talking to people that maybe know them more closely, I could say just be aware of it. A takeaway from today is just care. Just care about it. Just take care of your brother.”
Berkenfield closed by encouraging American Legion members to follow their lead when the situation arises.
“Very simply, be involved, all right?” he said. “You're here today. You're part of The American Legion. The American Legion's number one mission for this generation, for our generation, for you, for the next generation, needs to be veteran suicide. It's clear, right? The numbers don't lie. We are making action. We are making headway. We are doing it every day. But this is an individual thing. You got to look yourself in the mirror and say, ‘I want to be involved.’"
He also encouraged members to educate themselves. “Being here right now, having these conversations is part of that. Next year come to the Be the One Symposium. Spend an hour in there listening to the scientists, listening to the human stories. If you had an opportunity and you came this year, thank you. If you didn't come this year, I challenge you to come next year.”
Berkenfield thanked the Tangeys for sharing their story, as a means to bring a real life element to Be the One. “This is how we make a difference,” he said.
But that difference is not limited to just the Tangeys. Perhaps millions of other veterans may find themselves batting similar demons. Who will be the one for them?
“We need to tell this story exactly how it is in its raw form and we need to create action behind that,” Berkenfield told the audience. “You, as members of the Legion, are that action. We're in every state. We're in every county. We're in every small town. This is how we make a difference right here by telling this story and then you taking it home. You taking it home into each post, you taking it home to your friends, your teammates, your fellow Legionnaires, your family members. And we do that one at a time. We do that as individuals and as a group.”